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Occupation: New Tottenham Times
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Joined: 20-June 11
Last Seen: Nov 12 2012, 11:40 PM
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Nov 1 2012, 07:44 PM
At approximately 11pm last night the statue of intrepid technological entrepreneur Joseph Adric, founder of the Adric Institute and beloved cultural icon, was tarred and feathered by three unidentified hoodlums.
"Hallow's eve invites a certain level of roguery from youngsters, but I can honestly say I've never seen anything like this before," says legal aide Michelle Mikolos, who discovered the state of Mr. Adric's likeness early this morning. Since then, a corps of twenty-six featherless chickens were discovered wandering the streets of Dagenheim, looking very confused and no doubt embarrassed by their role in this senseless crime. "It's such an absurd crime. And how does one shave a chicken, anyway?"
The suspects, a cohort of two males and a female angel, were witnessed exiting the Adric Institute at 11:30pm last night, significantly smugger and more tar-bespattered than they were when they entered the building. They then stripped to their undergarments (except for the female, who was reportedly already wearing very little), and streaked into the night, crowing and crying, "Yipee kay yay mothercluckers!" to shocked onlookers. Witnesses reported that at least one of the men spoke in a thick drawl of unidentifiable origin.
The vandals were later observed distributing bottles of alcohol, gambling chips, and cigarettes to unattended children.
If you have information regarding the suspects' whereabouts, or if you have any use for twenty-six shaved chickens, please contact the Department of Public Safety in Cambridge.
Mar 4 2012, 08:15 AM
Upon receiving a letter from a long lost colleague, Governor Isambard Bronislav has been requested to provide aid to his home city; Valdorus
For those who have not studied the history of Tier, Valdorus was a great industrial city and former ally of Tot. Valdorus had fallen out of contact with Tot almost 2 decades ago, the entire city had seemingly had dropped off the map. For a time scholars and politicians had assumed that the city, known for its impressive histories of civil war, had finally crashed to the surface of Tier. Only recently however, reports have slowly been trickling in about Valdorus. One such tale tells of a great city appearing out of thick mists, only to attack passing supply and military vessels. The only evidence to support such a claim was the story of an eye witness, one of the only surviving crew men of the incident and Valdoran descendant.
"Great [expletive] big ship dun came outta tha mists all omnus and the like. We didnay think any ting of it, until it got closer. A voice I koinda like dem Tech Priests came on tha radio, askin us ta dock real nice or be fired upon. Cap'n didnay [expletive] like that talk so we tried to move off. Someting dun got fired at tha ship, great 'ooks. Everybody was [expletive] scramblin', I got ta tha lifeboat fast as I could. As I got away from the [expletive] wreck I looked back a' tha city. I ain't been on Valdorus for 'bout 40 years, but I knew it when I seen it. That was the Island uh War, ain't no mistaking it."
In a bold decision, Governor Bronislav declared that a diplomatic mission to the isolated city was necessary. A public announcement was held the Cambridge Clockworks by the governor earlier today.
"People of Tot, for far too long has Valdorus been but a ghost tale told by sailors. This morning I received from a colleague of mine a message that the city is in great peril. It is in Tot's best interest to help her age old ally. I am asking that any good-hearted and compassionate citizens of Tottenham who wish to have the adventure of a lifetime to come on a diplomatic mission, to be headed by myself, to Tottenham's long lost ally."
All those involved are promised a hefty reward and the eternal thanks of the citizens of Valdorus and of Governor Bronislav himself.
Feb 29 2012, 08:47 PM
At 10 of the clock this morning, Governor Augustine G. Phelps and his wife, Bethany Phelps-Jameson, were taken from their Camborne Lane home under warrant of arrest. The couple, it was found, has been harboring two illegal offspring: four year old Alexia Phelps and two year old Jareth Phelps, in addition to fourteen year old Augustine Phelps Jr., thirteen year old Andrew Phelps, and ten year old Rosalinde Phelps, for whom the proper compensation was paid.
The couple claim that a mistake was made at The Authority Office of Finance. It is expected that they will be released within the week, after due reparations have been made.
Governor Phelps has been temporarily stripped of his office. Authorities say that such a tremendous breach of conduct is an embarrassment. When asked how such blatant tax evasion went unnoticed under The Authority's own nose for these past four years, no comment was given.
Jan 26 2012, 11:07 PM
If you chanced a glance at the skies last night, you might have noticed something strange. At 7:45pm on the eve of New Tot's V-Day, a mirthful merry-wisher took to the skies, where he left a message in the heavens for all to see:
Featured is a photo of a cloudless New Tottenheim night sky. A faintly luminous text, written in a pinkish fog, reads:
I + U = <3
The duo behind this coquettish communiqué are Derrick Breckenridge and Arabella Heller, who devised the stunt to raise public awareness of a cherished and time-honored holiday. "There're a lot of disturbing things happening on Tot as of late. Perhaps it's a reminder that it's not the end of times," remarked one bystander, a nervous gentleman by the name of Spencer L.P. "I suppose it's a nice sentiment, if a bit crudely stated."
Mr. Breckenridge, 26, is an aerobat at New Tottenheim's circus, where he performs the death-defying aerobatic stunts that have earned him his status as a local celebrity. Ms. Heller, a one-time public relations specialist for Silverelle, Inc., now works as Mr. Breckenridge's marketing agent.
"The luminescent fog is a special formula derived from bioluminescent fungi," remarked Ms. Heller, when asked about the fog they used to compose the message. "Luciferase reacts with luciferin during an oxidization process that emits a pink light. Thames chemists have super-condensed this compound to create an artificial analog that is one hundred times brighter and purer."
Ms. Heller encourages those who enjoyed the stunt to attend the circus' monthly air show, in which Mr. Breckenridge will perform in a tandem flying event involving tomatoes and a pair of dervishing gryphons.
When cornered for questioning, this intrepid aerobat explained the reasoning behind his stunt.
"V-day's all about love and acceptance n' all that [censored]," said Mr. Breckenridge, in a curious foreign drawl that he identified as originating "…from somewhere a lot less posh-y than Tot." "Way I figure it, I'm just helpin' people get laid."
Well, there you have it. With V-Day finally here, it seems the entire city has one thing on its mind. Here's the New Tottenheim Times wishing its readers a fruitful holiday!
Dec 23 2011, 07:16 PM
Early this morning, a blaze erupted in the Steam District. The fire was big enough to fully consume a shipyard warehouse and at least three of its neighboring buildings. "Ol' Macmillan stores his barrels o' drink in the [expletive deleted] building next to it," one surly worker told this reporter, "prolly why she burned faster than [expletive deleted] Tottian hooker!"
The inferno moved swiftly, fueled by machine oil and stored liquor, but volunteers managed to quench the flames' thirst for destruction by mid-morning. At the time of this report, there is little blame to be had. "Can't see a bloody reason for this!" exclaimed a foreman, who was on duty at the time. "Nary a single match, lantern or firebomb to be seen on the premises."
Curious. Even more curious, however, is the charred and ravaged remains of what appears to be the owner of the warehouse where the blaze began. In the aftermath, as volunteers began to poke around the ashen wreck of the building, they came upon a skeleton burned almost into ash. "Yep, that there's old man Pooley," a source proclaimed. "Owned this warehouse since he was young enough to properly [expletive deleted]."
Indeed, it appears that the fire originated in the warehouse owned by one Daven Harrison Pooley, an aging entrepreneur who stored materiel for a variety of clients. Oddly enough, none of them could be reached for comment. "A damn shame, a real damn shame," one of the volunteers spoke up. "Pooley see was a nice ol' doddering man. He never hurt nobody. Silly bastard must've fell asleep while he was smokin' or drinking."
While many questions remain unanswered, the recovery begins. Pooley's plot of land is already in the midst of a bidding war and the neighboring businesses are looking to rebuild as fast as possible. In a time of what should have been holiday cheer and celebration, we pause to consider the danger fire poses here in our lovely city, and to remember a nice ol' doddering man whose only mistake appears to be falling asleep on the job.
Merry solstice from the Tottenham Times.